Funny Business: Why Can’t You Come Into Work Today?

• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

• I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Pharmacy.

• Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.