Funny Business: Rita Rudner Quotes
Rita Rudner Quotes
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself “well, that’s not going to happen.”
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
After you’ve dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what’s wrong with them so the next person doesn’t have to start from scratch.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Airplane Trip
Two men were traveling on an airplane. About half-way through the trip the pilot made an announcement: “Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret to tell you that one of our engines is not working, but don’t worry, we have two back-up engines. Please expect a delay of one hour.”
A few minutes later the pilot makes another announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost one of our back-up engines, but don’t worry, we still have the other engine. This just means we’ll be delayed two hours from our destination.”
One man turned to the other and said: “We better not lose the third engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
Good News / Bad News
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Give me the good news.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Three Wishes
This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp. He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
“First,” the guy began, “I’d like a million dollars.”
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly piled around his feet.
“Second,” he continued, “I’d like a new Mercedes.”
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him, engine idling. The man threw the money in the car ready to drive off to the bank.
“Wait,” the genie called, “You have one more wish!”
The guy smirked, “I’d like to be irresistible to women.”
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.