Funny Business: Readers Digest
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his physician.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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The stockbroker’s secretary answered his phone one morning. “I’m sorry,” she said, “Mr. Bradford’s on another line.”
“This is Mr. Ingram’s office,” the caller said. “We’d like to know if he’s bullish or bearish right now.”
“He’s talking to his wife,” the secretary replied. “Right now I’d say he’s sheepish.”
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A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK).
You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.
If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They’re available at your local grocery store.
Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. Pass on this warning to five friends. If you don’t have five friends, you’re already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards! What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh, okay!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, ma’am?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights, and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
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A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighbourhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”
“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”