Funny Business: I’m on the phone
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute, I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr
“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly
“People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’” – Bill Bailey
“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’” – Tim Vine
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe