Funny Business: Eat homework
I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up, man. It could be worse! You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I fell down a well the other day. I guess it’s because I couldn’t see that well
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I’ve been putting in extra hours at my job at the butcher shop. I’m just trying to make ends meat.
I was wondering why we suddenly had a bunch of spiders in the office, then the boss told me he posted a job for Web Developers.
My wife called me at work, surprised and confused. The bathroom renovation package I ordered was finally delivered. I told her to let that sink in.
The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated. Therefore, the earth is flat.
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. I responded, “That’s not right.”
What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.
What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.
Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.
What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.
How does the ocean say hi? It waves!
Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner? Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.
Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree!
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!
Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone? Snapchat.
What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
What do toilets do when they’re embarrassed? They always get a bit flush.
What do runners eat before a race? Nothing - they fast.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? He kept getting lost at C.
What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’? Because every play has a cast.
Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the group ski trip? It went downhill fast.
Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
Why do barbers make good drivers? They know a lot of short cuts.
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? He’s a bit of a pain in the neck.