Funny Business: A Lighter Fluid

• Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

• I invented a new word: plagiarism.

• I used to be a kleptomaniac, but I’m taking something for it now.

• I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

• Singing in the shower is fun until the shampoo gets in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

• I keep getting hit by the same bike every day. It’s a vicious cycle.

• I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

• I asked someone to explain the different between outlaws and in-laws, and they told me that outlaws were wanted.

• I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing the house, but the kids still seem to find a way to get in.

• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

• I can tell when you’re lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you’re standing.

• I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

• I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

• What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.