Penton: Q and A on eve of NHL’s new season
By Bruce Penton
As the National Hockey League 2026-27 season embarks on its earliest ever start, now would be an appropriate time to dial up the annual NHL Questionnaire. All those with perfect scores can reward themselves by watching old Rock ’Em, Sock ’Em videos.
1. Connor Hellebuyck stunned the Winnipeg fan base over the summer by going public with his request for a trade out of the Manitoba capital. He did this because:
a) The Jets’ blue sweaters clash with his dark hair.
b) Upset with the Jets’ accounting office continually misspelling his name on his paycheques.
c) As a proud American, not thrilled with Manitoba Premier Wab Kinew’s cheap shots at Trump.
2. NHL teams will each play 84 games this year, up from 82, because:
a) Owners felt the regular season just wasn’t long enough.
b) If playing in June is okay, finishing the season in July will probably be better.
c) More money, baby!
3. All eyes will be on the Maple Leafs’ No. 1 draft pick Gavin McKenna as he starts his NHL career because:
a) The Leafs’ first Stanley Cup since 1967 is imminent.
b) Leafs’ faithful looking forward to his 60- or 70-goal season.
c) He doesn’t need the Air Canada Centre playing surface to be frozen for him to perform his puck miracles.
4. Cale Makar’s $20-million per season contract with Colorado is:
a) Trend-setting for the NHL
b) Table-setting for future NHL contracts
c) Upsetting for Connor McDavid, who’s pulling down only $12.5 million per annum.
5. Oilers’ fans expect their team to contend this year because:
a) The hockey players get motivated when the Elks threaten to become the No. 1 sports draw in Edmonton
b) They have a coach with a Stanley Cup on his resumé.
c) Defensive misplays will be reduced now that Darnell Nurse has departed.
6. The Brady Tkachuk trade to Florida Panthers means that:
a) Mr. and Mrs. Tkachuk will no longer have to split their allegiances between Ottawa and Miami
b) Just for fun, the first Ottawa-Florida game this year will be a brawlfest.
c) The Panthers’ ‘goofball’ meter will spin out of control.
7. The first Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup since 1993 will be:
a) Montreal Canadiens, because of their youthful, talented roster
b) Toronto Maple Leafs, because of the Matthews-Nylander-McKenna chemistry.
c) Vancouver Canucks, because the apocalypse is nigh.
8. The historic ‘Hockey Night in Canada’ has been mothballed, because the CBC won’t be involved in NHL broadcasts any more, meaning that:
a) The HNIC theme music will only be heard on TSN’s nightly SportsCentre wrap-ups.
b) Production can stop on those iconic white Hockey Night in Canada towels.
c) Upon hearing the news, Foster Hewitt and Danny Gallivan both rolled over in their graves.
9. In all likelihood, the biggest gains in the NHL this season will be:
a) By the San Jose Sharks, in the Western Conference standings
b) Attendance numbers in Buffalo, where the Sabres are on the rise.
c) Waistlines on fans at Rogers Centre in Edmonton, which offers at their concessions, among other treats, the three Ps — pasta, perogies, and poutine.
Andy Nesbitt of SI.com, in a story about the new playoff format for the PGA Tour in 2028: “The Tour Championship has been played at East Lake Golf Club outside of Atlanta since 2005. That is going to change starting in 2028, which is tremendous news because, to put it bluntly, East Lake stinks.”
Cathal Kelly of the Globe and Mail, on the LIV golf demise: “New golf was always bound to do as well as New Coke.”
Kevin Van Valkenberg of Fried Egg Golf, quoting Carlota Ciganda, a European pro golfer in the recent Solheim Cup: “I was really happy to see that I was playing against (Jennifer) Kupcho (in singles). She’s a fighter, I’m a fighter. But today I knew she had no chance. I was like, ‘I want to kill you.’”
Headline at theonion.com: “Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run”
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald: “In the NFL, where parity is legislated and there is no transfer portal through which to buy other teams’ best players, bad teams playing bad games looks . . . like the Miami Dolphins, losing their season opener 27-13 at the Las Vegas Raiders.”
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “There were actually some Ole Miss and LSU players and coaches trying to act like the Kiffin Kerfuffle (Sept. 19) in Oxford was just another game. That’s like saying the custody hearing is just another family gathering.”
Another Bianchi offering: “The Dolphins are struggling so badly that Sea World has offered to rehabilitate them.”
Another one from theonion.com: “Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit”
Headline at fark.com: “Travis Kelce named as victim in multi-million-dollar fraud scheme. Hopefully, he’ll be able to recover financially, as a newlywed with a young wife to support.”
Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun: “If Colby Armstrong is the answer for the new Saturday Night Hockey show, we wonder: What is the question?”
Care to comment? Email brucepenton2003@yahoo.ca
