Growing Through Grief: Holding it together
By Angela Clement
Have you heard of the “Type A” personality? I know it well. Maybe you can relate. We get things done, we deliver, but not just that, we have a way of doing it. We are ambitious and somewhat competitive. We are a bit time conscious and impatient. Our approach to life is to work harder and faster. We can be workaholics.
It’s not all a bad thing per say. But when it comes to grief and loss, this kind of personality can be crippling and keep you stuck. You see, the loss of my husband was absolutely devastating and yet grief didn’t stop me from functioning. It didn’t stop me from making sure things got done. I plowed through my days. On the outside, everything probably looked better than fine. I was taking life in stride. But underneath, something was compounding.
I was working harder than ever to keep the balls in the air. I was losing my vigor, my zest for life, my joy. I found out fairly quickly what they say about time healing all wounds wasn’t true at all. I found myself so preoccupied with the thoughts in my mind. My head was swimming with more questions and very legitimate concerns. My busy, problem solving mind was exhausted.
Now looking back I realize that I was really just pushing past all the emotion. I didn’t know how to break free from the heaviness of it all. It was terrifying to think I might have to tell someone. When I did have a melt down it was often in the evening and it was so intense sometimes I thought it might kill me. I didn’t know what was happening to me. All I knew to do was to keep doing more and working harder. That was my solution to everything in life, but in my grief, it just got worse.
It wasn’t until much later, after doing a lot of research and sorting out the information, that I realized that grief was piling up. Not just the grief from the loss of my dear husband, Blaine - that was so heavy by itself, but I was grieving everything that changed and everything that was supposed to be. Grief is always there when things change and we are forced in some way to let go. It’s not just when a loved one dies. It can be loss of a job, a friend that moves away, or a time when the kids move out. In fact, I am willing to bet most all of us are all going through some form of grief right now because our lives are ALWAYS changing and when they do, it’s so frustrating because we can’t just go back to the way things were. That causes discomfort and when we resist reality, it causes discomfort and pain.
Most of us don’t stop to reflect or even realize grief is happening. We might think we are just tired, lazy or unproductive. We could use the excuse that we are just getting older and our minds aren’t as sharp. We don’t stop to think how grief could be weighing us down.
Once I understood what was happening and learned how to take care of myself, things started to change for me. Peace, joy and fulfillment became more and more prominent in my life. My excitement for life came back. I got clarity on what was important and learned to focus on that which brought me more joy. I learned that the process of grief is not something to be avoided but something to embrace. Our understanding of it helps us immensely. Take it from someone who has been through it, once you see and know this, it will change your life in amazing ways! I love to share my story now and the ways I was able to move through my grief because it provides the hope and the information that I wish I had. Don’t be afraid of the process of grief. You don’t have to hold it all together. In fact the real beauty and transformation is when we allow ourselves to fall apart. It is then that we can pick up the pieces and create something brand new.